Physically Violated | Becoming Better Not Bitter | #TrueStory
It’s not worth being hateful and bitter against someone who has done you wrong in the past.
“Anytime a person crosses a boundary — a legal boundary, a moral boundary, a physical boundary, or a binding business deal — that's a violation. A violation can be a disrespectful act or the crossing of someone’s physical boundaries.” (Vocabulary.com).
I was either in middle school or a freshman at high school when the incident happened. I don’t exactly remember the full details because honestly why would anyone try to remember their traumatic or abusive past, right?
But for the purpose of sharing my story and how I dealt with bitterness from this person, I’ll try my very best to include the detail of remembrance.
As I mentioned earlier, I was pretty young when I started to notice this one specific man was targeting me. Frankly back then I didn’t think he was a pedophile, because I didn’t even know the complete meaning of a pedophile. It wasn’t common until years later.
Back then I was a young, happy, and innocent girl who learned to see the best in people. Plus how bad can a person be, right? After all, he was a “Christian” oh, and did I mention this happened at church? DUN DUN DUN. Yep, true story.
So this married man was actually my uncle’s friend. A couple of times he would compliment my look, how I dressed, and out of honor/respecting my elder, I would respond back with a thank you and a simple smile. I was never rude to him because well, he was my uncle’s friend.
Then soon I found out how he would try to make random jokes and comments during music practices to get my attention and the other musicians and singers to laugh. Moreover, since I would arrive earlier to set up before Sunday service, this person would try to come all close to me acting as if he’s looking for something or that he’s trying to fix the speaker or plug in the power cable.
Whenever I’m alone, this man would try to say inappropriate things or physically touch me. I remember a time after service we would all line up for food, and repeatedly this man would stand so close behind me. It made me super uncomfortable because he was awkwardly breathing on my back. Literally.
Again I did not say anything to anyone or question this man’s actions or motives. I think the reason was because I was too scared, embarrassed, and didn’t want to accuse someone just because I’m uncomfortable around them. Well, that was a mistake, I should have said something, or seek guidance and help from someone.
If you sense a weird feeling about someone or something, then it may be a warning sign to you. Get help from someone you trust and do not take it lightly.
In our Asian culture, we are taught to greet the person older than us, so every time I saw this person I would greet him. Even though deep down I knew I should just ignore him due to his weird attraction to young girls.
Finally one day we were in the hallway of the church and no one was around. I don’t know where everyone was at that time, but he came up to me, said something very inappropriate, and started to rub my arm. I quickly backed off and walked away. Since that day I avoided this man and never greeted him anymore.
Even though I never acknowledged his existence since that day (yes, I was pro at blocking people out, HA still being pruned up to this day, so please pray for you sis), I noticed a sense of hate and bitterness was growing inside of me.
I would replay the times he did or said something offensive and how it would affect my feelings. I started hearing from other girls at my church how this man was targeting them too; saying inappropriate and doing weird things to them or around them.
“How then can a married and Christian man be targeting other women, especially young girls? Does his wife not know? How come my uncle didn’t defend or protected me from this “monster?” Other questions ran over my head.
What I did not realize was how bitterness was taking a deep root inside of my heart months after the incident had happened. Every time I saw this man walking in my direction, I instantly walked the opposite way, I felt so sick and disgusted by his presence and existence.
There were a couple of times when I knew deep down the Lord wanted me to release forgiveness and to forget my past traumatic memory. But I refused because I was content with hating and despising this man for the rest of my life.
Side note: if you met the old Sharon, you would have been so surprised by the messed up, corrupted, the hateful person that she was back then.
Well, thanks be to God for transforming me inside out, it took me quite a while (YEARS) to go from being extremely bad and bitter to better.
Now, how many of us can testify that you cannot serve God on the altar while having an unclean heart? It won’t be long until the Lord does some virtuous discipline or correction to those who have a hard and stubborn heart. 🖤
So one day as I was about to go on stage, I saw this man getting a drink of water. After seeing him, I felt so hateful, angry, bitter, and frustrated; I tried to suppress all of these feelings, of course, I’m about to serve the Lord after all.
There is this white screen that we have to walk past before we can reach the music area on the other side of the stage. And right behind that screen I tripped and fell on my knees. Ouch. All of a sudden I felt this unbearable pain, I was about to cry because I never felt such excruciating pain in my life. Not sure what I tripped and hit on because it was dark, and because I quickly walked away in fear of someone witnessing my embarrassing moment.
Once I arrived at home, I quickly took off my stockings to see the damage on my left knee. It was a mix of blue and purple; it was super swollen. I started to track back why and how in the world did I trip and fall right before playing the keyboard? Then I remembered… “Ahh was it because I was angry when I saw that man drinking his water?”
Right then and there, I felt convicted by the Holy Spirit to not hold any more grudges against this person because it’s not worth being hateful and bitter against someone who has done you wrong in the past. Finally, I prayed, released forgiveness, asked God’s forgiveness for my sins too, and for His strength and grace to not be so hateful the next time I see this person again.
After this prayer, I felt a chain of bondage had been broken, and started to feel an overflow of God’s peace, love, and joy.
The Bible tells us “If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold all things have become new.” (2 Corinthians 5:17)
In this world, people will come and try to hurt you all the time. If this has not happened to you, HINT: live a little bit longer and you’ll experience this firsthand. Lol.
Ultimately it’s up to us to find their action offensive vs. finding ourselves being offended. Our response toward the other person will determine how much space and availability we are willing to surrender to God.
It’s not easy to forgive those who have done you wrong or even abused you.
However, I believe gradually with the help of Jesus and as we mature in Christ, we will become wiser to not keep any mark of bitterness in our heart and instead to put on love wherever we go.
“Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.” (Ephesians 4:31, 32)
“Anyone who hates another brother or sister is really a murderer at heart. And you know that murderers don’t have eternal life within them.” (1 John 3:15)
May we never be the same person as we were before we met Christ. Our encounter and relationship with Jesus should first and foremost transform us so the people around us can then witness how amazing the love of the Father can change [transform] someone’s life for the better.
The decision is yours, friends. Will you become bitter or better this year? ✨
With love and empathy, ❤
Sharon
Credits:
Music by Naomi - Clouds https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fnhcXMvhz9w&ab_channel=NAOMI%E5%A5%87%E5%A6%99%E3%81%AA%E6%84%9B
Vocabulary.com (https://www.vocabulary.com/dictionary/violation)